Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Raiders of the Lost Art

This week, despite a Scooby Doo plotline that had the Upper East Siders decoding a diary/daybook with another book, commenters got a few of their wishes. GG writers seem to have awoken from their slumbers/comas (perhaps they faked their own deaths Bart Bass–style) and delivered on some recap comment pleas from long ago. Whatever the reason, commenters are happy about a few main players — dare we say it? — returning to their former glory. A quick scroll through mostly positive comments goes something like: Bart Bass is alive PLUS 10 BILLION, Queen B is back to scheming, RIDICULOUS story line (as usual), Chair is back!!!, and Dair is dying. Our thoughts exactly. Now on to the recap of the recap.

Realer Than Vanya Running Up the DSL Bill With a World of Warcraft Obsession

• Dorota is Blair’s ‘inside man’. +10. Her skills are never ending.  
  Gossip Girl’s first blast back is hating on Dair. +20. SHE knows a Waldorf does not belong in Brooklyn. –CHUCKISMYPUPPY
• Nate “played it clueless” when Diana asked about her day planner. There’s no other way you know how Nate, there’s no other way you know how. Plus 5. 
  Congrats, Lola. Getting pancakes made by some boy toy in an Upper East Side apartment is the first step to being initiated as a Rhodes girl. Plus 10.  
  There’s no way snob/hipster Dan texts “bout,” least of all to Blair. Minus 10.  
  Of course Diana’s username is DIANAPAYNE, in all caps. Read in that fake British accent/attempt-at-sexy-cougar-voice-that-comes-out-as-a-growl. Plus 10. –HOUSEHUBBY
• I promised this show something weeks ago (probably seasons ago, truthfully, but I’m too lazy to go through years of scoring to check) and now it has finally earned it… 
  BART BASS LIVES - ONE BILLION POINTS!!! –TRUMPETSTRUMPET
• Plus 10 for the return of Blair’s writer. “Serena lite” and all of the wonderful Nate insults just warmed my heart.  
  Plus 2 for this being the second week of the costume department making clear their allegiance to Chair. Why else would Blair be dressing Dan in a purple shirt in the first scene? –MACARONSANDSCOTCH
• OMG the NJBC, Chair scheming, the Dark Knight Sr. Rises (from the dead), and HoHum says” I love you” only for Blair to respond in the coldest way possible (by not even awkwardly acknowledging it, but simply treating it like he said something as life-changing as “I make a mean apple pie, you know”). My life is complete. At least for the next 45 minutes. PLUS 100! –LPYCB42
• Plus 25 for Serena’s only real friends being the berries she spends all her evenings with, staring at but never eating. Along with Dan’s sentient muppet hair, it’s time for those berries to get their own place in the credits. They certainly get more screentime than Rufus. –FEED_THE_DUCKS
• If there were ever any doubts that the GG writers are cribbing from these recaps, the numerous references to Nate the Pothead has officially removed them. +100 –NYMAG_FAN
• Dan: “I love you…. you know that, right?” 
  Blair, with a ‘look at all the shits I give’ expression: “I do now.” 
  +1000 
  Pretty much encapsulated their entire relationship in two lines. –ALLIEC
• Plus 69 for Chuck’s slinky moves in the brothel. He rubbed everything (whole body action) on that first lady of the night they encountered when there was more than enough room for him to just move aside.  
  Plus 20 for Nate and Blair not reacting because really what else do you expect Chuck to do in a brothel. –14A
• Real Gossip Girl talking about Dair: “Haven’t we paid the toll enough for this relationship?” Plus 1000. –KANGAROOTATTOO
• Ahhh the magic that is Chuck and Blair. Finally! +20. It’ll be plus infinity if they get back together, but for now, it’s a start. 
  It does seem like the writing is taking cues from the NY Mag comments. I’ll give the writers a +10 for that. At least they recognize some good stuff even if they can’t actually think of it themselves. 
  Was that a brothel or a petting zoo? Please. There’s more action in a midwestern hotel chain on prom night. -50 
  Bart’s back from his extended stay in Offscreenlandia! No points though. The generous helping of points in favor are cancelled out by the stupidity and clumsiness of this lame plot. Has he been swapping secrets and gin with Cece? Will she return from Offscreenlandia? Or is she stuck there, babysitting Blair’s lost baby who will not only turn up as not having died in the first place, but as the spawn of Chuck. I’d actually award infinity points for that too, if it means Chuck and Blair get back together. Basically I’ll ignore a whole damn lot of weak and lame writing for a Chair reunion. 
  +100 if the season finale ends with a shot of Bobby Ewing in Blair’s shower.  –3WORDS8LETTERS
• Plus 15 for the unspoken “I’m the only hooker he needs!” that Blair basically said when she rolled over the castle ho. –ABBY_E
• Blair’s fake British accent is better than Diana’s real British accent. Plus 3  –BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE
• It’s a good thing Rufus has been staying in Brooklyn, it appears he won’t be leaving anytime soon now. Welcome back Bart! (+718) –CHUCKISMYHOMEBOY
• Since Bart isn’t dead, his marriage to Lily wasn’t terminated by his death and they certainly didn’t get divorced. Lily’s still married to Bart as well as Rufus! Plus +3 for adding bigamy to a show that regularly features incest. –ANNSTARRR

Faker Than Bart Bass’s First Death

• Dan has obviously never watched The Hills. You always choose Paris, Lonely Boy, ALWAYS! Learn from LC’s mistake! 
  But seriously, you can’t spend like 9 weeks away from a girl you have been dating for a few weeks? With Skype and everything? -1000. –CHUCKISMYPUPPY
• The show has gone from being dumb to utterly ridiculous! Bart Bass back from the dead? Eye roll. When did GG become GeneralHospital? -200 
  So if Chuck already made a copy of the planner, then what’s the big deal with returning it to Diana? Incomprehensible plot contrivance. -12  –TOBLERLERONE
• Is Blair’s recent hair limpness attributable to the water pressure in Brooklynbeing substandard? No points, just wondering. –MARAHE
• Dan tells Blair he trusts her. 10 mins later he stalks her, questions her, lies to her and gives up an opportunity of a lifetime because he cant handle his girlfriend spending time with her childhood friends and certain kink master in purple. – 10  –JJOVANA3
• As I heard Dan say the words “O-G-B. Original Gangster Blair.” my eyes slowly expanded in deep humiliation. Dan, seriously, I’ve been vouching for you on these comment boards for months. You are killing me. Minus 1000. 
  “I think I just quoted Ray-J.”-Dan  
  “I don’t know who that is, but sure.”-Blair  
  Firstly, why is a professional author quoting a “rapper”-turned-soul-sucking-celebutard? Secondly, I refuse to admit I know who he is too, all the time. Plus 20, because Blair hasn’t stooped THAT low. 
  Sorry B, but you look like a little boy in Herve Leger. Minus 2. –LDCLUNA
• I want to try to get into a cab and yell “Follow this car” to see what happens in real life. –VOLANT
• -100 If this turns into some kind of witness protection program thing, but plus 100 if it’s the oposite and Bart is on the run from the law. –ANUNKINDRAVENBASS
• What if it’s really just a Bart Bass hologram produced by Dr. Dre? –TUCKERNUCK
• Rufus Humphrey as the sole voice of reason?  
  No. Minus a million. –THENEXT_MRSBASS
• Love that the old gang is back together scheming but the detective work is a little suspect. They figure out Diana’s secret with what is essentially a decoder ring? What is this, Scooby Doo? Minus 3. –24YANKS

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